


Just Leave Me Your Stardust To Remember You By

by newtheglue



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M, Goodbyes, Healing, I hate myself for this, M/M, Tragic Romance, but mainly i hate marvel for making me write this, endgame spoilers, please don't read unless you've seen the movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 19:19:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18629641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newtheglue/pseuds/newtheglue
Summary: Stay,Bucky almost says.Stay because I know if you leave, you won’t come back. Stay because I know you’ll live your life there, and it breaks my heart to see you go.





	Just Leave Me Your Stardust To Remember You By

**Author's Note:**

> so... endgame, huh?  
> title is from Boats & Birds by Gregory and the Hawk.

_Stay,_ Bucky almost says. _Stay because I know if you leave, you won’t come back. Stay because I know you’ll live your life there, and it breaks my heart to see you go._

_Stay. Stay because I’ll be alone without you. I know I have Sam and T’Challa and a whole damn country, but without you I might as well be gone too. I might as well have stayed ash. I might disappear again, without you. I don't think they'd even notice. I don't think I'd even care._

_Stay because you know me. You’re the only one who does._

_Stay because I know you. I might not be the only one, but I’ve known you as long as I’ve known myself. Longer, even. Stay because I remembered you before I remembered my own name._

_Stay because you’re my home. You’re all the home I have left. You’re all the home I’ve ever had._

He hugs Steve and it feels like goodbye. It feels final, in a way it hasn’t before. He lingers maybe a bit too long, but Steve doesn’t push him. They both know.

_Go. Go because you deserve this. You deserve to be happy, more than anyone I've ever known._

_Go because she deserves to be happy too. You could be happy together._

_Go because you know me, and you know I’ll manage. It’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’ll survive. ~~I’ve never survived without you. How can I survive without you?~~ _

_Go because I know you, and I know you’re tired. You deserve to rest. You deserve to take the world off of your shoulders and just_ be.

“Don’t do anything stupid ‘til I get back,” Steve says, and it _sounds_ like goodbye. Bucky blinks back his tears. He bites his tongue, pushes his heart away.

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.” _You’re taking_ everything _with you, Stevie._

 _Stay. Go._ Bucky’s heart is torn in two.

~~_Stay because I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything. I love you more than I’ll ever love anything._ ~~

_Go because I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything. I love you more than I’ll ever love anything._

“I’m gonna miss you, buddy,” Bucky says.

And he aches.

He aches and aches and aches, and Steve gives him that sad smile. Bucky wonders if Steve knows that his heart is breaking.

He closes his eyes when Steve goes. He can’t watch the other half of his soul go find the one it was destined to be with.

 _Maybe we could’ve been something,_ Bucky thinks. _Maybe you could’ve loved me. Maybe I could’ve let myself be loved._

_Maybe, maybe, maybe…_

Bruce says Steve missed the jump. Sam panics, and Bucky feels something akin to peace settle in his soul. It somehow manages to feel like grief too.

He looks to the lake. He finds the familiar silhouette, aged and motionless against the horizon.

He smiles, bittersweet, grieving for a dream.

He tells Sam to talk to him, because he can’t, not now, not… he needs a minute. Steve had lived a life. Bucky, for the first time, hadn’t been a part of it.

Sam picks up the shield, and looks at him, questioning. Bucky smiles, because it looks right on Sam. That’s not Bucky, it may never be, but Sam looks like he was born for it.

And Sam says something, quiet and gentle, before leaving with Bruce, leaving Bucky alone with a ghost.

Bucky sits, but doesn’t look.

“You knew,” Steve says. Bucky can feel the emotion clawing at his throat.

“Yeah,” Bucky says, flat.

“You didn’t stop me.” He tries not to think about Steve’s voice. How it sounds aged, and yet… so much younger than it had a moment ago.

“I c- I wouldn’t do that. She was there.”

“You were here.”

“I was. I am.”

“You’ll be okay.” Steve sounds like he _knows,_ and Bucky can’t bring himself to feel ashamed. Shame wasn't really an option, because this was Steve, and how could he ever be ashamed of loving him?

“I’ll survive,” Bucky says.

Steve laughs, softly. “No. _You’ll be okay,_ Buck. I promise.”

Bucky doesn’t think so, but he smiles anyway, if only to ease Steve's worries. He spares a glance at Steve. He’s old, but Bucky had expected as much. He looks happy, like he’s lived a peaceful life and, well, that’s all Bucky had ever wanted.

He doesn’t let the tears fall, doesn’t let his mind wander past _maybe if…_

“I’m real glad you found her again, Stevie,” Bucky says. “You deserved to have that.”

“So do you. And you will.”

Bucky clenches and unclenches his jaw. He looks away from his… he looks away.

“I, uh, I should probably find Sam. Make sure that shield isn’t goin’ to his head. God knows it’s already too big for his own good.” He stands, eyes not leaving the lake.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea, pal.”

Bucky blinks, once, twice, fighting away the tears again. He turns to Steve one last time.

“I, uh…”

Steve smiles, and all Bucky can see is little Stevie. The tears finally roll down his cheeks, but Steve doesn’t say anything, just keeps smiling and giving Bucky time.

_We could’ve been…_

_We could’ve spent…_

_I could’ve loved…_

_I’m sorry that we…_

The words flow between them, unspoken.

Steve’s smile goes a little dimmer, a little softer around the edges.

“Line ends here, pal.”

Bucky swallows.

“I’ll miss you, more than… I’m really just gonna miss you, okay?” He leans forward, and presses a kiss to Steve’s head, only allowing himself to linger for a moment. Some part of him knows that this is the last moment.

And he walks away before Steve can say anything else, before his heart can be any more damaged. He knows if he turns back, Steve will still be sitting there with that tranquil smile, a lifetime of peace behind him.

Bucky leaves a lifetime behind too. ~~_(Right alongside his heart.)_~~

He wipes at his tears, and doesn’t look back.

**Author's Note:**

> believe it or not, i wrote this with the intention of bucky asking steve to stay. i’m sorry that this happened instead.  
> i've never cried writing a fic, but... i sure cried writing this one. like bucky, i feel like i left part of my heart behind in that theater. it'll never be the same. i'll always love these two, and maybe soon i can write something where they DO get their happy ending.  
> until then, thank you for reading. all feedback is appreciated <3


End file.
